Soy pobre

Me siento muy triste por mis problemas económicos. Quiero ir al cine a ver World War Z y After Earth, pero no puedo porque solamente tengo pilches $56 dólares en mi cuenta bancaria y debo encontrar la manera de sobrevivir con eso hasta la próxima quincena. Aparte debo depositar como mínimo $10 en mi otra cuenta (en la que verdaderamente ahorro) para mantenerla activa. 

Hoy una compañera de trabajo me dijo “¿Y por qué no te has comprado un carro? Eres joven y soltero, ¿a dónde se va todo tu dinero?” Mi respuesta inmediata fue que tengo muchos gastos -la pensión universitaria de mi hermana, mi curso de francés, comida, transporte, etc. Con eso fue suficiente para que no preguntara más. Pero mi verdadera respuesta interior fue “porque soy un pendejo que gana un sueldo que da pena, no soy un gerente como otras personas de mi edad que ganan más de $1000 al mes, porque soy simplemente un pobre diablo que no ha sabido sobresalir en la vida… ¡por eso no puedo comprarme un carro!“.

Ayer mi tía me pidió que la llevara a comer afuera. Me insistió de forma indirecta, pero luego desistió cuando vio que le prepare un arroz con atún rápido. Me dio tanta pena. A mi edad yo debería poder sacarla a comer a restaurantes bonitos de vez en cuando. Soy un adulto, con un título universitario, y es mi obligación moral retribuir todo el esfuerzo económico que ella hizo por mi educación. Cada vez que ella me pide que la saque a comer, se me muere un pedacito del corazón y quiero pegarme un tiro por ser un fracasado de mierda.

Wow, I did not know Tumblr could stop you from browsing a tag. Also, I just wanted to say, I struggle with depression and for many years I did it alone because I was ashamed and afraid to reach out for help. Finally speaking to my doctor about it and getting on anti-depressants was one of the hardest things I’ve done, but also one of the best. Have you heard of To Write Love on Her Arms? They helped me a lot. Anyway, I wish you the best. Be good to yourself and be kind to yourself :)

Thanks. I did see a doctor a long time ago, and he prescribed me anti-deppresants too, but they didn’t work. I just checked that site, but it only works for the U.S., the U.K. and Australia. Thanks for being so kind anyway.

Hi, I was browsing the tumblr staff tag and saw your post about reblogged posts not showing up in tracked tags. It’s not because tumblr blocked them specifically, it’s because reblogged posts never show up in tracked tags, only initial/original posts.

Oh no, I guess I didn’t make myself clear. The thing is that I’m suffering depression and have been having suicidal thoughts in the last months, so I created a blog to express my feelings there because I obviously can’t do it in real life without being called a coward, a lunatic or even selfish. I have a normal blog where I post about other stuff, but not suicidal ones because I have made friends there and I don’t want them to look at me like crazy too. 

Anyway, in this blog I have been checking the suicide tag in the last two days, and I found four or five suicidal posts that I feel I relate to, so I liked and reblogged them. But a few minutes later, I checked that same tag again and then I got nothing. I couldn’t see anything. It’s like magically all posts tagged as “suicide” disappeared. I thought it was a tagging problem from Tumblr, so I checked that again in my other normal blog (where I don’t talk about suicide) and BAM, there I can see the tag and all the suicidal posts people make.

I did a bit of a research and apparently Tumblr has a policy against suicidal blogs. They close them if Tumblr thinks they promote suicide or self-harm. But Tumblr does not differentiate between people who promote suicide (I didn’t even know that kind of people existed!) and people who just talk about it or need a way to express their worries and release their pain. So, when you like or reblog several suicidal posts in a row, Tumblr automatically blocks that tag for you because they think that by liking and reblogging them, you are promoting self-harm and suicide too.