¡Ahora sí me doy!

¡Estúpido Franklin, estúpido, tonto, imbécil! ¿Creíste que una sonrisa suya era signo que querer acercarse a ti? Él le sonríe a todo el mundo, es una persona alegre por naturaleza, y simplemente fue amistoso y diplomático contigo. Ya crece. Si esto no te sirve de lección para dejar de escribirle y buscarlo, no sé qué lo hará.

Recuerda todas las veces que le escribiste antes y nunca te contestó. Él es así. Deja de molestarlo y quedar ante él como el patético idiota enamoradizo que eres. Ya no hay nada que hacer. Todas esas señales que él supuestamente te da son solo producto de tu imaginación. Él es una persona educada y amable, punto final, solo ha querido quedar en buenos términos contigo, pero tú siempre piensas que todo es una señal de que siente lo mismo por ti y que solo es muy tímido.

Promete solemnemente que no le escribirás más. Al menos no seas tú quien comience una conversación escrita. Y sonríe aunque te duela en el alma. No eres nada para él, y él no debe ser nada para ti tampoco. Aunque te arda el corazón y te carcoma la soledad, no lo buscarás, no lo llamarás.

Este comportamiento tuyo se terminó. Si han de volverse a ver, será por su expresa voluntad. Si han de estar en privado algún día, tendrás en claro que solo será por poco tiempo, que no durará. No le pedirás que se quede más tiempo, no le dirás que es “especial” para ti. Solo aprovecha el momento si se da, y desahoga tu necesidad de compañía por unas pocas horas. Quizás sea el último que tengas antes de morir.

Finito. Adiós Christian

Suicide & my family

I am dying to tell someone I want to kill myself. Not because I expect them to help me or give me a magical formula to fix my life, but just to get this out of my system. I know there is no help for me, but at least I need to talk about it, express my sorrow, this deep pain inside of me. I especially would like to tell my family, perhaps one of my sisters, my mom or even my aunt. But I know they will either start crying or get mad at me and try to send me to a psychologist. I really want to die, cease existing, cease suffering for things that have no remedy.

I wish there was a way to tell your family that you want or that you are going to commit suicide without getting them freaking out. Sometimes I wish they didn’t care about me. That would make the suicide process easier.

I don’t want to tell them like asking for help, but just to warn them. That way, when they find my body (or when they don’t find me at all because I have run away) they won’t start crying or looking for me, but just accept the fact that I am gone. I want them to continue their lives, as if I had never existed. No pain, no trauma, no mourning, no wondering if they could have done something for me. I want them to accept that everything will be better that way. I will have stopped suffering. And they will be better too. Apart from my mere presence and the fact that they love me because I have their blood and they raised me, I contribute NOTHING to their lives. Nobody depends on me (thankfully!) I’m not talking only about money (although that is very important too). I mean that I have no skills or talent that might be of help to our family. I am not a strong or very brave and skilled man like my dad or my uncles, so I could never be the man my mom, sisters and aunts need me to be. I can’t protect them. I am not financially strong either. I can’t support them or help them in case of an economic emergency. I should be able to, I am the eldest child and the “sucessful child” at school. Everybody expected me to be a rich man by now, but I am nothing but a loser.


I am not going to commit suicide because I know it will hurt them. I myself would be deeply hurt if any member of my family commited suicide; and if they told me, I would try to do my best to help them. But I would feel so “contradicted” (?) I would be a hypocrit, trying to make someone hold onto life when I myself want to die too.

Things would be easier if my family didn’t care about me. I would die in peace knowing that no one will be hurt for my decision,  that no one will be suffering for my absence.

I lost a book

And it hurts so bad because I bought it myself and didn’t even read it. Mmm… well, I guess it would have hurt anyway whether I had buyed it or not. What hurts is that I didn’t read it before losing it. My brain tells me that it’s the way life keeps trying to tell me what I already know but I always forget: that I should enjoy and make the most of what I have while I have it. I am so used to take things for granted.

Nadie sabe lo que tiene hasta que lo pierde.

I am tired

I always have so much to write, but my thoughts only come in the daytime while I’m at work and I can’t express them. When I get home I have to do other things and when I finally sit in front of the computer, I just don’t feel like writing anymore or my thoughts don’t flow. I am just too tired. I wish something wrote down my feelings as I “think” them. 

Also, I am losing my perspective on this blog. What’s the point of having a diary if you can’t express your feelings there every day? It’s pointless. All my thoughts and reflections are born and die in my mind and there are very few chances for them to be captured in written form for posterity.

My reasons to die vs. My reasons to live

Reasons I want to die:

  • There’s like a 99.9999% chance I’ll be alone (in a romantically & spiritual sense) forever.
  • My stupid brain cannot deal the the previous idea and accept the fact that other people do live single & alone too and they are happy (or they appear to be)
  • I am currently a failure in the professional field and my brain is sure me that I’ll never be really good at anything and that I’ll disappoint my family and myself.
  • I am super lazy and dumb and I’ve never achieved something by myself alone.
  • I probably won’t be able to travel and visit all the places I want to see on Earth. 
  • I definitely won’t be able to travel and see the places I want to see in the Universe.
  • The world is, in general, an ugly place to live. I’m talking about mankind. Humans suck. There are some exceptions, but they are exceptions. I think the world would be better without humans. And yes, animals and the nature can be very cruel too.
  • I don’t see the point of living if you’re going to die anyway. I am so going to make a separate post about this.
  • I am too naive, too indecisive, too insecure, too weak & too fragile (both mentally and physically)

Reasons I (think I) want to live:

  • Not to hurt my family. They love me and my death would be really painful to them. I don’t want that. (Actually this is not a reason to live, but rather a reason not to kill myself)
  • Not to hurt the very few friends I have. They would be hurt too if I killed myself. (pretty much like the one before, not a reason to live but a reason not to committ suicide).
  • Watching my favorite movies on their premieres, especially Star Wars and Disney classics (although there won’t be more of the latter)
  • Eating my favorite foods: pizza, bolón mixto, rice with tuna salad, ceviches, encebollados, garlic bread, menestra de lenteja con harto queso, my grandma’s sopa de queso, my aunt’s spaghetti, etc

 

 

 

Todo es en vano

No sé ni para qué sigo tratando de ejercitarme. Y lo peor es que ni siquiera tengo privacidad. Siempre hay alguien, si no es mi tía, es mi hermana. Urgh. Y me odio a mí mismo por quejarme de sus presencias a pesar de que las amo. 

Lo chistoso es que de todos modos tanto ejercicio (mal hecho, por cierto) es por gusto. No hay resultados a la vista. No gano peso, sigo siendo un maldito escuálido debilucho. Tampoco tengo plata para pagar comida mejor que me dé los nutrientes adecuados, tengo que conformarme con los almuerzos de mierda del restaurante y con la poca comida que mi sueldo de pendejo me permite comprar.

¿Y si llego a tener resultados a largo plazo? Pues de todos modos no serviría de nada porque si atraigo a alguien con mi físico, lo repeleré con mi personalidad o, mejor dicho, la falta de ella.

No sé ni para qué me esfuerzo en dizque mejorar. Tampoco seré una persona exitosa. ¿Por qué no me mato? Porque soy un cobarde y no quiero hacer sufrir a mi familia.