Día del examen del Senecyt

El examen es en tres horas y media. Ahora voy a prepararme el desayuno, luego a bañarme y repasar los criterios de divisibilidad. Pero al final lo único que importa es que para las 2 de la tarde tendré un respiro que no he tenido en mucho tiempo. Este día no me importará nada más que descansar, dormir y ver películas de Disney.

Someday

Someday everything will be over and I will die and stop suffering.

Un accidente, un asalto que termine en asesinato. Alguna cosa tendrá que aparecer tarde o temprano y por fin se acabará todo este suplicio que es mi existencia. Me da tanta tranquilidad imaginar que no tendré que aguantar esto para siempre. Que un día de estos, sin que yo lo prevea, por fin moriré y descansaré para siempre.

Algún día dejaré de preocuparme por el trabajo, por el dinero, por la soledad, por los sueños que no puedo cumplir. Qué rico se sentirá no sentir nada, dormir pero sin nunca tener que despertar y enfrentar esta terrible realidad mía.

Someday I will never have to worry about disappointing my loved ones, the people who trusted in me to be a successful man and not the mediocrity I am.

Someday solitude won’t hurt me; the cold lonely nights in my bed will be over. But above all, the emptiness in my heart and my soul won’t be a problem anymore. I won’t feel, I won’t suffer.

Todo terminará pronto, Franklin. Ten fe.

Algún día.

The reason I will be alone forever:

I am the most boring person in the whole universe. I am not funny, clever, or witty. I am not a party person, an outgoing person, an expressive person when it comes to cheerfulness. I suck at dancing. I never have anything interesting to say and my life is the most unexciting dull thing in the world. I have nothing to share, nothing to teach, nothing to show. And the few times I actually have an interesting topic or anedote to talk about, somehow I end up turning it into something tiresome.

They say that people should marry someone with whom they never get tired of talking because physical beauty vanishes with time. And that’s my biggest flaw: talking. Keeping interesting conversations in a one-on-one basis is the most awkward and uncomfortable situation for me. No matter if I just met that guy or if I’ve known him all my life, I can’t stay alone with one person for more than 5 minutes without reaching a point of discomfort because I have nothing left to say. Awkward silences are my nightmare.

Bye.

Sometimes I wonder if some of my loved ones are suffering depression and want to kill themselves too, just like I do, but like me, they hide it very well. That makes me feel selfish because I am not offering the help they need and instead I am looking for my own death, which will make them even sadder. 

I am so tired. I thought of so many things today (about life, suicide, death, etc.) and I wanted to write them down to keep a record of my thoughs, but I am so lazy and also so busy with work undone and also so bad at writing. Ugh. My life.